Apple’s HomePod marketing copy is just ridiculous - I’m still getting one though

Vivid Content Marketing Apple HomePod.jpg

Apple loves to arrive late to a tech product category with the best solution at a premium price. And everyone loves to get upset by it. Every time it happens nerdy journalists (nerdalists?) proclaim the new gadget launch to be nothing more than ‘the emperor’s new clothes’, ‘dead on arrival’ and ‘over-hyped’.

It happened with the iPod ("overpriced... who wants to digitise music?" – single-handedly revolutionised the entire music industry), the iPad (“it's just a big iPod Touch" – fastest selling electronic product of all time), iPhone ("no chance of significant market share" – biggest selling consumer electronics product of all time), we could go on...

And so here we are again with the Apple HomePod. A smart speaker due to launch in two weeks time that’s again late to the party (by about two years). This time it's up against fierce competition from Amazon's Alexa-enabled Echo range, Google's Google Assistant powered Home range and Sonos (who've hurriedly bolted-on some smart features to keep up). When you consider that a quarter of all UK homes received some kind of smart speaker this Christmas, Apple's had better be pretty special if they want to make a dent in the speaker universe!

Well, late-to-market pressure seems to have got to Apple's marketing team. While they need to tell their story and explain its technical innovations in as exciting a way as possible, is there any justification for the copy madness that's live on the HomePod section of Apple's website?

Setting up HomePod is quick and magical
— Apple

Sounds like sports day at Hogwarts! Does being magical make it easy to setup or do I have to learn spells and stuff?


So you get amazing sound without even thinking about it.
— Apple

Imagine not having to think about a basic human function such as hearing – what a time to be alive!


Each with its own amplifier and transducer.
— Apple

Has anyone seen the beginning of my sentence? I'm sure I left it around here somewhere.


Buffering that’s even faster than real time.
— Apple

Can anything move faster than real time? Does it have a flux capacitor?

An Apple-designed A8 chip powers the most complex audio innovations in HomePod. Like real-time modeling of the woofer mechanics. Buffering that’s even faster than real time. Upmixing of both direct and ambient audio. Beamforming so the microphone can hear you over the music. And advanced echo cancellation.
— Apple

Is the comma key broken on the Apple marketing laptop?


HomePod is wrapped in a seamless mesh fabric designed for both aesthetic and acoustic performance
— Apple

Aesthetic performance you say? Have you been drinking?


Available in white and space gray, it’s gorgeous from every angle — yet virtually transparent to the music.
— Apple

"Virtually transparent"? Looks pretty solid to me. Sorry, "virtually transparent to the music"! Of course, music is well known for its keen eyesight. Makes perfect sense.

 

And through all that – the smiles, the winces, the shock, the purest example of 'drunk marketing' I've ever read – I have to say... I'm convinced. I believe the thing is going to sound amazing. Go figure. They must be doing something right because I bought one!